Prologue

So, the purpose to this blog is to tell my story so far. The growth I've made mentally, emotionally, physically, communication wise and in relationships. I'll try to do my best to put this in a format that makes sense...as I can sometimes ramble or jump around from day to day. *ETA: The more I get into this prologue, I'm finding that the direction of this blog may be jumbled. But that's ok. It's my blog. And I need to get this out however I can. Please be patient with me throughout this process.

I started blogging YEARS ago when I was in college...ah LiveJournal (LJ)...how I miss you. Then I moved here to Blogger. However, that move did eventually get me in trouble with my mom (which is quite absurd when you think about it). But, it was part of my growth. Blogging was somewhat cathartic for me; it allowed me to get my feelings on paper (so to speak) and out of my head. It allowed me to go back and reread after a day or more to see if perhaps getting it out and seeing it with fresh eyes changed my perspective.

When I was blogging on LiveJournal the only other person with access to it was my sister (and of course a few friends I made on that site along the way). She and I were honestly best friends up until a couple years ago...thick as thieves. We knew we could always go to the other if we needed to vent or an excuse to go out (like going downtown to meet someone I had only ever spoke to online). We were huge Lord of the Rings nerds...and went to the midnight showings of each of the 3 films that came out. We had a blast. I'd blog our adventures. But I'd also vent when mom was on a rampage. I was never judged by my sister or my online journal friends.

I moved to blogger years later (it was after I had my son) and things changed. I don't even remember how my mom ended up on it. But the things I posted were similar to what I posted on LJ. Nothing horrible, but it was my truth, my view, my feelings. I remember her coming unglued at me 

"What if family members see it? What about family friends? They'll think I'm a horrible person. I want it deleted."

I was absolutely embarrassed, and devasted. What had I done? Who else had seen it? I don't want people to think she's horrible. But then I was angry. It's my truth. I don't care what people think. It's a her problem if she's afraid of how others might perceive her. So I started another gmail account. Never gave her access to it and began blogging again. Swore to myself to not give it to anyone. Or if I did, only people I trusted with my heart and soul.

I can look back now and see how badly she gaslit me. How badly she manipulated me into doing what she wanted done. I'm angry, yet also at peace with it. Why? Because I was still very much living in her world. Living by her rules because I would give anything to be in a peaceful home. So I continued to walk on egg shells, communicate in a way I knew wouldn't upset her, said what I knew she wanted to hear versus how I truly felt. At 27 I had never been taught how to communicate and have a discussion. My childhood was yelling and screaming. Do as I say. And sadly, that's what my adult life was for about 10 years after I had my son. We had some terrible screaming fights those 10 years. She would scream, I would cower and cry as it's what I knew, it's how I had handled life as a child. 

It wasn't until I started working again (for reasons I will touch on in another post, the gist of it was my husbands position where he had been for 10 years was sunset, they refused to work w/him to find another position within the company, and he was without work for about a year) that my communication skills began to really improve. But, I still struggled with how to handle my emotions in a healthy way.

Not only did working again help, but raising my kid was helping as well. I wanted him to be able to communicate openly and without fear of being screamed at or judged. So when he was little, as much as I hate the phrase, when he was in trouble or upset, I would sit him down and tell him to use his words to tell me what he was thinking. Started teaching him basic emotions mad, sad, happy. The older he got, the better he got at being able to tell me how he felt when I would make him mad. Did he cry at first? Yes. But I didn't get mad at him because in a way I had taught him that. It's how I dealt with my emotions. It's the old adage of telling someone they can turn the tears on like a faucet. Fast forward, he's almost 16 and can communicate 100 times better than I could at his age. He does sometimes still shed a few tears when speaking his emotions and feelings, but he knows it's ok. 

Anyway. the school my son went to started Social Emotional Learning with the kids around the same time I started working there. Even though I was just in the lunchroom, my kiddo would come home from school almost daily with a new little tip for how to handle his emotions. Fast forward to the following year when I started in the kinder classes, I got to experience the SEL lessons for myself alongside the kids. Fast forward to today, I've been learning alongside the littles for the last 6 years and have so many more tools in my toolbox when it comes to emotions and communication. I bought a journal back in March that was self led and lasted 9 weeks all about emotions and how to handle them. Wouldn't you know that most of the information in that book I had already learned, I just didn't have adult words or phrases for it. 

Anyway. Here I am today, through lots of hard work, being able to tell my story and not sob at the keyboard. 

There is so much more to this story than just this prologue though. So many more details that have helped me grow exponentially in my life, even in just the last 3 or 4 years. And that's what I intend to share. 

Thanks for reading! :)