My Brother - Pt 3

In my last post, I left off with how their move (which is about a 30 minute drive in good traffic) affected the overall relationship. We got together way less often, my poor kiddo didn't have his cousins close anymore for playdates. It was really quite sad. 

As a family, we tried to go on small weekend trips to the Springs or up to the National Park so the cousins could play together. We all enjoyed it. In March 2018, we decided on a cabin trip just outside the National Park. It was an Air BnB (with a story all it's own to be honest), rustic, yet had plumbing and heat, and enough beds for everyone. I have an email I sent my sister the night everything went south while we were at the cabin. I think it does a good job of explaining the situation. Italics were not in the original email, it is me inserting details, protecting names or whatever now.

So what I tell you makes sense, a little backstory. I don't know if mom told you, he has been vaping pot to handle his anxiety/depression/stress (which is whatever, he needed to do what he needed to do, I think he was on like year 2 of no job and trying to climb out of his depression from it). She walked in the kitchen here at the cabin yesterday morning and he was literally doing shots of cannabis oil or something marijuana related. So, he was higher than a kite by the time things blew up.

So, last week, he text mom asking if she'd watch the kids so he could take SIL on a short hike in Rocky and drink a bottle of wine to celebrate their anniversary. Mom was not happy about it, but wouldn't tell him no because he would have been pissed off and pouting. So, he, SIL, my partner and myself went into the park (I wanted to take my new camera out for a drive, so SIL invited partner and I along). He swore the hike wasn't that long, 45 minutes at most. An hour in, we still weren't even close to where he wanted to surprise SIL. SIL, partner and I were tired and not up for a long hike so we made the decision to go ahead and turn around and head back to the car (it was already 2:30 and we needed to finish up in the park and head back to the cabin for dinner anyhow). This is where brother started to pout and get pissed off. He didn't say 2 words the whole ride back to the cabin. And remained incredibly moody the rest of the night. *Side note, most people stay grumpy for a minute that things didn't go their way and get over it. He can't/won't/doesn't.*

We had dinner, he barely talked. Mom tried to see if there was anything she could do, he wouldn't answer her. His mood was super awkward and made everyone walk on egg shells. We pulled out Cards (against humanity) and played. He played with us, but wouldn't allow himself to get past the moodiness of failing to surprise SIL. We put Cards away. And mom decided she was going to bed (it was like 9:30, she was over his moodiness and just done with him).

She ended up telling everyone she didn't appreciate the dynamic, specifically brothers pouting. She didn't yell, but she was firm and not nice about it (which I get). He stood up and was like "I'm not doing this with you. I'm not allowed to pout and be in a bad mood cause it pisses you off. And if I would have gone and laid in bed and not played a game with you guys you would have been pissed off." That started the war of words (the kids were in the bedroom having a glowstick party and when the screaming started they got quiet).

Mom and brother went back and forth. I don't remember what he said to her, but mom looked at him pointed to the door and told him to just leave. He was so high he could barely walk a straight line. At that point SIL told him to get his shoes on and go wait in the car and started to go pack their stuff. Mom and brother kept going at it, SIL walked by and got in moms face and screamed at her "just stop it. Shut up." Mom screamed back at her, and brother stomped over and slammed a shoe on the arm of the couch telling mom to get out of SIL's face. Myself, dad, and partner were stepping inbewteen all 3 of them. I went into nephew and nieces room and grabbed my son and took him to our bedroom and mom followed. I made her stay with my son and I went back into the living room. Dad and brother were having words. Dad was trying to explain to brother why mom felt the way she did and how unfair brother was being to the whole family. Brother kept interrupting him and would get pissed off when dad would in turn say "I wasn't done yet." The yelling between dad and brother went on for like 20 minutes. Mom came back out of the bedroom and told brother quite calmly "I wish we could talk. No screaming, no yelling, no interrupting. you sit on that side, I'll sit on this side and just talk." He actually sat. And for the next like 90 minutes he and mom talked.

He mostly talked in circles. And really made me realize how badly he needs professional mental health, rather than self medicating w/MJ. He can't live his life without worrying about what mom would think or say about a choice he makes, he questions his choices because he's afraid of being judged, and he's apparently really still messed up over being fired from his really good 3 years ago. But the one thing I kept hearing in everything was mom being accused/blamed. He didn't take responsibility for very much. And when mom would ask for clarification on something he'd get mad. He said to her at one point how frustrating it was for him that it took her so long to understand things he was saying. I even gave my few cents as far as my relationship with mom: it hasn't been pretty or easy, it takes more than one time sitting down and actually listening to each other and learning that it's ok to walk away having not solved anything and to agree to disagree. I also heavily encouraged him to seek professional help...because it appears to me self medication is not working for him (to which I was told by him I was being condescending).

Needless to say, fighting with or trying to talk things out and reason with someone who is high as a kite is a losing battle.

They did not end up leaving last night (Which is probably better as they did not need to drive all the way back  home at midnight). When I got up this morning, SIL said "I think we're just going to leave. I think that's what is best." I agreed with her and she finished packing their stuff (mainly from the kitchen), packed it up and left.

I don't know where things stand with him and mom. Mom said her piece. And now the ball stands in brothers court to fix himself through more than just self medication and then fix things with mom. So, we'll see what happens. I feel bad for the kids because they had to hear it all (mom apologized to my son this morning). And I also feel badly for mom. The most important thing to her after the way she grew up is her family. She does not want to lose my brother because of this, and I understand that, but he has to want fix himself first.

We did not talk to them until almost Christmas that year. Mom still wanted to do for the kids' for Christmas. If I remember right, we went down and picked them up and mom let them spend a set amount of money for their Christmas gifts. 

Fast forward to June of 2019. Christmas 2018 was the last time we heard from my SIL (my brother refused to talk to my parents, and my SIL was at least trying to keep the kids out of the adult battle). Not a week after I bought my new car, my dad got a call. It was my brother. Out of the blue. He looked at my mom, who got wide eyed and told him to answer. He did. My brother was in tears. 

"I fucked up. I don't know what to do. I fucked up."

Mom had called me down before dad answered. She and I looked at each other and mouthed "arrested? needs bail money?" Mom had dad keep him on the phone to try and find out what was going on. Turns out, SIL had asked him to leave. He had no where to go, so he called dad. Well, mom and I got in my car and drove 30 minutes down to find him and pick him up. We weren't even sure what was going to come of this. If he'd get in the car with us or not. We also called my SIL on the way down to find out what had happened. Long story short, my brother had been on dating apps. Told my SIL (after she found out) that he didn't find her attractive anymore (ya'll, he dated her, got engaged to her, married her, and had kids w/her all while she has been obese). So, she told him to pack and get out. 

When we found him, he was sitting on a corner crying with a big old backpack over his shoulder. The whole way back to our house we talked a little. He cried. It would get quiet. 

After we got home, mom wouldn't let him in the house because he was still using/vaping MJ, in fact, he set his backpack down by her van and took a big swig of the little tincture bottle. It's her personal choice (especially w/my son in the house) and her house. So, we all sat outside. It was after 8 because it was dark. We sat out there for 2 or 3 hours going back and forth. Talking about what happened between he and SIL. Talking about his mental health. I don't remember a lot of what was said that night. I know there was a lot of us pushing him to consider going and getting inpatient care, to which he quickly angered and told my mom she needed to fix things with her father before she and my brother could fix things between themselves (I quickly piped up that he has no right to tell her that because he has NO IDEA the trauma our grandfather caused her). Anyway. Things kept going in circles. It was getting later, dad and my partner had to work the next morning so mom and I got in the car and got out $100 cash. We brought it home, gave it to my brother and had my partner drive him to the nearest motel, because again, w/him using/vaping, mom did not want him in the house overnight.

And that was the last we ever heard from him or my SIL. Ironically, mom and I still followed SIL on insta and vice versa. So when the pandemic hit, she posted a few pictures of the kids going back to school. Mom tried to reach out via DM, but got no reply. We, both eventually unfollowed her and I think blocked/took her off from being able to follow us. 

I think the part that hurts the most is that at some point (I apologize, because I really don't remember when she did it) mom had sent a Facebook message to all of us kids (brother, SIL, and my sister) apologizing for how she raised us, apologizing for not knowing another way to discipline (she was beat and yelled at when she was a child, so as an adult that was all she knew of how to punish children; she was also young when she had us, 19 when she had my brother, 20 when she had me and I believe 22 or almost 23 when she had my sister), and wanted to work on her relationship with each of us. Even offered to pay for counseling.

But, both my siblings just burned the bridge clear away; no chance at rebuilding/reconciliation w/her, as well as no rebuilding/reconciliation with me. 

Side note, she and I never went to counseling, but I was the only one of us 3 that really put in the time and effort to work on our relationship. And a lot of the reason I did so was due in big part to finally taking off my childhood blinders and seeing things differently after my grandfather called to yell at me to take my pictures of my son at his house off of my very private locked down Facebook, as well as many other times he called her to essentially harass, belittle, and taunt my mother. It hasn't been easy, but we've both put in a lot of effort over the years and are in a much better place than we were. 

My Brother - Pt 2

**I'm not sure I'll ever post these on Friday and Saturday nights as my partner now refuses to go to bed before I do (there's lots to unpack there in his own post). And I refuse to sit at a computer everyone walks by and can look over my shoulder and read what I am writing. So, if there aren't Friday or Saturday night posts, that it most likely why.**

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So, I left off with me being about 3 months pregnant and my SIL learning she was also pregnant. Like I said, I was pretty upset. Given their knack for needing/wanting to be the center of attention in 2001 in the middle of my sisters senior year, and now suddenly being pregnant yet 6 months prior told us they were one and done, this felt really suspicious. It got even more suspicious when they wouldn't tell us at first when she was due. When everyone kept pressing, it was a couple weeks after me. Then it became mid November. She didn't have my niece until 4 days before Christmas and even then, she was likely a week early because of a scheduled c-section and my SIL not wanting to be in the hospital over Christmas. Girl, please. If you didn't want to be pregnant or due around Christmas, maybe you should have waited another month or two. >_< 

Anyway. This leads into a bigger can of drama with them. My mom very graciously (free, not to mention using her own money to have extra diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing etc at our house) babysat my nephew on weekends since both my brother and SIL worked weekends after he was born. Mom, who was already working 40 hours a week at a high school would come home exhausted on a Friday night, my nephew would be dropped off to spend the night (mom chose to have him stay the night so she didn't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn on Saturday so they could drop him off before work). Mom did this for about a year I believe (they lived with us for at least 6 months right after my nephew was born because they had hospital bills, my sister was on leave from work, and they couldn't pay rent, which is another drama fueled story in itself that I'll try to come back to). Once they had my niece and they were both back at work, the just assumed mom would take both the kids for them. Mom said no. 2 was just too much for her after working 40 hours at the school and then having to care for a toddler and infant. To say my brother and SIL were livid is an understatement. 

They were pissed. Mom went back and forth with them and said if they were willing to pay her, she might consider it. They were offended by that. Hell, they were offended well before they were engaged or even had kids of their own that my SIL's dad babysat SIL's niece and some cousins and charged the families; "Its his family. It's absurd that they have to pay for their grandpa/uncle to watch them. He should do it for free." I believe they ended up asking her dad to watch the kids (which ended up being her dad, her mom, and her sister since that was their living situation); and yes, I believe she had to pay and/or provide necessary baby and toddler items and food for him to agree to it. 

The way my brother and SIL used their kids as leverage with my parents is astounding. I don't care if you're mad at my parents (mainly mom) for no longer wanted to be your free daycare, but those kids do not deserve to be put in the middle because you are both petty mother fuckers.

Nevertheless, life was really rocky between them and my parents. And it wasn't easy for me either. I would post milestones for my son on Facebook, and my brother would have to post something about his kids. As our kids got older and went to preschool, the competition (solely on his part; I didn't want any part of a "my kids better than yours" mentality, it's childish and uncalled for) only intensified. It got really bad when I was able to get my son into the STEM school we had been looking at for a couple years (Colorado is a School Choice state, yes we have schools we are "assigned" to depending on where we live, but we can fill out an application to choice them into somewhere else if there is room; that's what happened for us). I was proud of my kid (as one should be), but my brother grew green with jealously. His kids attended the elementary school about 2 blocks from where they lived (her dad ran them back and forth to school). But, her dad, understandably so, got tired of running the kids. So, they came up with the brilliant idea to try and choice them into the same school as my son. No big deal...it would be much easier on her family because it was literally a 5 minute drive from their house. But that wasn't the plan.

My SIL (I think) came up with the idea that if they were able to choice both their kids into school with mine, I could run them back and forth to her parents house. It was never asked of me, just an expectation because you know, the world revolves around them and caters to their beck and call. I'm not sure if I ever got the chance to confront them on it, but they either never filled out the choice applications OR they got a rejection letter. 

At some point, my brother tried to accuse me of being the competitive one. I don't even remember why or how it got brought up, but he tried to gaslight and manipulate me into thinking it was all my fault. That I'm the one that was trying to have my sons growth and progress compete against his kid. I'm not that kind of person. Like, never have been, never will be. It's not fair first of all to the kids for parents to pit them against each other with baby/toddler milestones and then school milestones. All kids develop differently and that's normal. We don't need to be competitive that my kid could write his name at 3 years old. That my kid was reading at a 2nd grade reading level by the end of kindergarten. It's called being an active parent and giving him the tools he needs to thrive later. And not just handing them a tablet or setting them in front of a game console or the tv all the time. 

Moving on. When my nephew had just started 5th grade, (if my memory is correct) my SIL's dad passed away. Come to think of it, this might actually be closer to the time they were talking about moving the kids to my son's school, but I'm not 100% certain; it makes sense in a minute, but again, I'm not 100% certain. Anyway. Her dad passed away. And not long after the memorial, her sister and mom said they weren't going to be running the kids back and forth to school (see why my theory about this being the time they decided to try and move the kids made sense) now that her dad was gone. There's no greater hate than angry narcissists. By the time the kids were out of school that year, they had moved all the way down south. To their credit, it was a much shorter commute for my SIL (don't even ask about my brother's employment; he had a GREAT job when the kids were little, then lost it due to his over inflated ego and went into a deep depression). I'll add in here, that my mom was big against the middle school my nephew would have gone to had they not moved. I went there in 8th grade when it was brand new. But, in 20+ years, the demographic has gone down hill and it's not the best. Now, mind you, my nephew would have been fine (I think), but because my mom worked across the street from it, had a strongly opposed to it. Back to the move. My SIL and brother tried to spin the story that they moved because my SIL's commute would be shorter and because they weren't able to get the kids into my sons school (I can almost guarantee they got my nephew in as a 6th grader, but not my niece as a 4th grader) and they didn't want him at the middle school where they used to live. Whatever. Y'all do you.

Their moving really strained the relationship of the families even further. When we all lived within about 15 minutes of each other, we'd meet for meals, my mom would BBQ, we'd meet and take the kids to the park, go on mini close vacations together. But when they moved, that all kind of stopped. Mind you, even when they lived close, the only time we got together is when my mom suggested it, made plans, and cooked; which was pretty shitty in itself looking back. When they moved, I don't think we got together more than a handful of times before things really broke down. 

My Brother - Part 1

2 posts back to back? Yup. Only because the first paragraph of this I spewed in the previous post before realizing it was better left to a post about my brother. So, here you are: My Brother - Part 1

My brother went into the Navy out of high school (not sure how he got in as he had asthma which should have automatically disqualified him). He didn't make it past boot camp. They sent him home shortly after "graduation" on a medical discharge if I remember right. He moved back in with us (I was a senior in high school, my sister was a 9th grader), he wouldn't go get a job right away, spent his summers at the water park (his dream was to be a manager of the park one day, he never made it, and he wouldn't have made it, it's a story for another day), and spent what money he had like crazy. He bought a cell phone, he'd sneak out his window at night (the room he was in was downstairs, we live in a bilevel home), sleep all day. It didn't take long for my parents to put their foot down. When he and I started working at the water park as teens, my dad took each of us and opened a joint checking account at the credit union, so my parents always had access to our balances and money. So, they gave him a timeline to save and move out. They also started putting whatever money he had from his paychecks into their savings account, ultimately giving it back to him so he could move out on his own (we had a friend that confronted my parents and said it wasn't right of them to do that, it was my brothers money; I get it however, my brother was draining his account and not saving money to move out). Anyway, he got it back and he ended up moving in with his girl friend (who is now his wife). He and I still hung out, hell we had the same friend group, so why wouldn't we. Things started to become strained when he and his wife got married.

They lived together (separate bedrooms, as I said, we had the same friends so we spent a lot of time together  goofing around), dated, and then got engaged. The whole wedding planning process was a hot mess! My SIL did not want to be a June bride (which is fine), so chose the Saturday between Mother's Day and my sisters graduation and party. Mom was not thrilled (I don't think SIL's mom was thrilled either because it would minimalize Mother's Day), which I get. My SIL was super big talk about knowing how it felt to have a wedding planned during graduation and party (her brother and ex SIL did it to her 4 years prior, they "stole her thunder", her words). When mom broached the subject and said "that doesn't work for us"; my sisters graduation was during the week, then it would have been the wedding, and then the following weekend was my sisters grad party. Throw into the wedding week rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and it was not a good week. My brother and SIL scoffed, but ultimately the changed the date to March (I think they considered April but I don't remember). After the date debacle, things only got worse. Mom and dad were given a list of wedding things THEY had to pay for (quick google search brings this up, pretty much all of this was on it, as well as things the brides family traditionally pays for: wedding rings, DJ, alcohol for the reception, brides bouquet, boutonnieres/corsages, honeymoon) and my sister and I had to pay for our bridesmaid dresses, shoes, accessories (yes, we were supposed to be part of the wedding party*). My parents put their foot down. Said no way. Not happening. My brother said they owed it to them (why, I don't remember). My parents said no and gave them a very small list of what they would pay for (I know they paid for and hosted the rehearsal dinner at our house, but I don't remember what else they agreed to, I know it wasn't much at all). The wedding is where the strain on my brother and my parents relationship started.

Notice I said my sister and I were supposed to be in the wedding party. We ended up not being in the wedding party. My SIL couldn't decide on dresses. Originally, she had supposedly found someone to make all the bridesmaids dresses (I think there would have been 5 of us total), but they were going to be like $200 or $300 a piece. I was in college, working 15 hours a week, and my sister was a senior in high school so my parents would have had to pay for her dress. So we said no thank you and bowed out. Side note: she ended up with 2 bridesmaids and a maid of honor and all their dresses were this cheap AF velvet green (if I remember correctly) from like Sears or something. I'm not dogging it at all, but she could have done better. Also, second side note, my sister was part of the ceremony, they had her sing something (I don't remember what now); I only remember because my sister got to wear her prom dress to their wedding. Anyway, this was yet another strain on relationships. 

I could go on about their wedding and how tacky some of the stuff they did was (anyone know the saying champagne taste on a beer budget? that was them); the last thing they did that had us disgusted was when they sent out my SIL's bridal shower invites, they had little stickers for everywhere they registered. I kid you not: Target, Walmart, Dillard's, Sears. I think there was one or two more, but I don't remember where. And the shit they registered for? Holy cow. Keep in mind, they had already been living together for 4 years and had pretty much every household item a couple would need. But, they still registered for new household items, golf clubs, sporting goods stuff, vacuums. The list goes on. Oh, and her dad (rest his soul) told them to invite as many people as they could because it meant more cards w/money in them. >_<

When my brother and SIL decided to have a kid, we were all super excited for them. It would be the first grandkid for my parents. And my mom always wanted to be a grandma. Things went well. My nephew was the only grandkid for almost 2 years. Right around the time of his 1st birthday, my brother and SIL made a big deal about how they had decided he would be the only kid they had (my SIL is very overweight and had trouble conceiving my nephew and a very hard birth which ended in c-section, to which he father retorted "the doctor must have an early tee time.", not to mention my nephew was helicoptered from one hospital to another after he quit breathing and turned blue one night; ended up being reflux, and he was put on medication, it was still scary though). I was honestly cool with their decision. Personally, I think folks should heavily consider how many kids they want to have before they get married and stick to it. Plus, some folks who have 2 or more kids should have really only ever had 1. Also, there was also a lot of shit surrounding her pregnancy and the baby shower that had my mom and I disgusted by them (tons of invites sent out, again with the little stickers on where they registered, the shit they registered for; luckily my mom and I were throwing the shower, so when the stickers were brought to us to put in the invites, we only put Target and Walmart in them).

Fast forward 5 months, and I'm pregnant. I was scared and excited. I wasn't married yet, it was not planned, I was living with my parents (and the now husband) still, and we had also been looking at moving out soon anyway. Once I told my mom, she was over the moon happy. We had told my parents, my sister, and my brother and SIL right away (in like Feb); we were too excited to wait, plus it's family. We still moved out when I was less than 8 weeks pregnant. Well, fast forward to the beginning of April. I was settled and at peace that I was pregnant (heck I'd always wanted to be a mom). Excited to be on this journey. Mom and I had planned to go shopping for some stuff for the nursery (head start queen right here, lol), so I was on my way to her house when I got a phone call. I answered. It was my brother. He and my SIL were pregnant. I'm sorry, what? And yeah, I'm sure you remember above where I said they had decided my nephew would be their only child. I told him congrats and hung up. Then my mom called. I was in tears. She was angry. She had asked my brother not to call me right away. 

Just like my brother and SIL didn't want to steal my sisters thunder w/high school graduation, yet still planned a wedding throughout her high school year, I felt they were stealing my thunder of my first pregnancy by getting pregnant at the same time; especially given the circumstances of why they said they were only going to have one kid anyway. Now, to add bullshit to the pile, they tried to tell us she was due in like November (to make it look like they hadn't started trying the minute I told them I was pregnant), yet my niece wasn't born until the 21st of December. 

Anyway. I picked up my mom and we went shopping and talked for a long time about the "coincidence" that they were suddenly pregnant when I was pregnant, even after making a big deal of telling EVERYONE my nephew would be their only child. 

A lot of online friends I had didn't understand why I was upset that my SIL was pregnant when I was. We got to go through it together (her for a second time). It would be one thing if we had planned to get pregnant or tried to get pregnant at the same time. But, it's a completely different thing when I get pregnant, and then they hump like rabbits so they can be the center of attention. 

This is where I'll end this for tonight. I'm tired. And details are becoming fuzzy and feeling out of whack. I'll write and post part 2 tomorrow. :)

Childhood, High School, College, the beginning of my 1st relationship

 So, I thought about how I was going to title each day a lot. Originally I thought about chapters...but I don't feel they fit the way I need to write start writing this, with a bit of backstory. So, for now, I'll title it as I see fit for now and perhaps change to chapters once I'm feeling more set in the direction of this story.

Welcome to where my trauma stems from, childhood through high school.

I honestly don't remember a lot of my early childhood...and I'm learning that it's likely due to shutting that part of my brain off. To be fair, I'm not sure I want to open that part (something I think I can do through what's called shadow work, I'm still researching if it's something I want to delve into); the bits and pieces I remember are pretty traumatic enough (when I was 3 or 4 I half bit half cut a lamp cord in half using a pair of safety nail cutting scissors that had rubber around the finger holes; my parents rushed me, the lamp, and the scissors to the ER, the doctor said if the scissors had not had rubber (which is what I stuck in my mouth to "bite" through the cord) I would be in worse shape; I think I just had black all around my lips and I'm sure in a little shock; to this day, I wonder if that's the reason I don't really like to sit outside if neighbors are lighting fireworks off). 

When we were kids, punishment was spanking...the majority of the time with a belt. It was mostly always mom, as my dad rarely stepped in to help raise us. And my mom was far to timid to ask him for help. As we got older punishment changed; sometimes we'd still get spanked, most of the time is was grounding from various things (friends, video games, books*), I also think there was extra cleaning that was given as punishment. As a side note, I was rarely spanked or punished. As the middle child I was the quiet one, the one who was kept home from school on occasion to help mom w/daycare when her migraines would hit. I was the "good kid". My siblings knew and hated it. 

I think I learned at an early age that when we got in trouble, I needed to say what mom wanted to hear, not what I really thought. I feel like I did anything to keep her happy and to keep her from punishing me harshly. 

My brother and sister were the rebels. Always in trouble. I remember once when I was in 6th or 7th grade, my brother and I got in a fight while our parents were gone. He was screaming at me, so I grabbed an ice cube from the freezer and chucked it at his head. He got pissed and kicked a hole in the back of his bedroom door. I swear we told mom what happened, but when we were talking about childhood stuff a while back, I told mom about it and she acted shocked (she laughed, but still couldn't believe I'd never told her). I don't think my sister and I ever got into serious fights the way my brother and I did. 

Anyway. Fast forward to dating ages. When I was in middle and high school, I had crushes, but never boyfriends. Never. Boyfriends. I sometimes feel like the reason I never had boyfriends in high school is because I was SO caught up and lusting over ONE guy the 3 years we were in school together (he was a grade ahead of me), and everyone knew it; band was kind of a buzzkill for that to be honest. 

I dated a few guys over the few years I was in college, but it was only ever dates, nothing serious. These college dates were the ones my sister helped me cover for. The internet was newer and my sister and I were always in chat rooms. So mom was, understandably, spooked. She didn't want us meeting anyone off the internet or giving out our address or anything (which, duh, neither one of us ever did). I don't drink alcohol, so going to bars to meet people isn't my thing. Plus, I hated the way I looked (crooked teeth, too fat, not pretty), so internet friends were a nice thing to have. One of the last guys I went on a few dates with, we met for the first time at a coffee shop downtown. My sister and her then boyfriend went down and sat in the shop the whole time I was on my date, she was super protective of me (I was a very sensitive person, cried easy, didn't take rejection well, etc) and would have thrown hands if any guy ever upset me. 

When I got heavily into the internet and different chat rooms, I met my current husband. He is almost 10 years older than me. At the time, I was young and naïve. And since I had never had a guy show any interest in me, when he did, I turned into a twitterpated 25 year old. Looking back now, I wish I hadn't been so twitterpated, I wish I had been more cautious and knew what love bombing was. Because that is how he hooked me and kept me until after he moved here and we got pregnant. Then, all the gifts, physical touch, sweet words, love bombing faded out. 

I still sucked at communication after he moved here. I didn't want to confront him on things that I needed to confront him on. And once I had our kiddo, I was having a case of the baby blues, and didn't realize that I should be making him help w/night feedings. Hell, again with the naiveté, I thought because I was a mom, I was the one responsible for taking care of him so his dad could sleep and be well rested for work the next day. Looking back, was I ever wrong. My mom and I have talked A LOT about this over the last 10 years. She says she wishes she would have insisted on staying with us a couple nights to help and so I could get sleep (but the husband said no). She also said she wishes she would have known how to talk to me about what a narcissist he really is. I'll admit, looking back, I shrugged off everything she had; I had an excuse for everything. But the more she and I have talked about it, I wish I would have been more aware of things and less in the puppy love stage still to be able to say enough is enough and leave him while our son was young. I also wish my mom would have said to me "leave him!" 

It's interesting how a little research, seeing others talk of their life struggles, self love, journaling (I have kept several journals over the last few years), self reflection, learning how to communicate better, and regulate my emotions better has really opened up my mind and eyes to where my trauma and lack of communication and emotional regulation stemmed from. 

That's it for today. I promise, there is a lot in here that I'm sure you want details about, and those will be coming in their respective posts. But I have to do this in small chunks or I get overwhelmed and the post ends up all over the place. 

Thanks for reading.

Prologue

So, the purpose to this blog is to tell my story so far. The growth I've made mentally, emotionally, physically, communication wise and in relationships. I'll try to do my best to put this in a format that makes sense...as I can sometimes ramble or jump around from day to day. *ETA: The more I get into this prologue, I'm finding that the direction of this blog may be jumbled. But that's ok. It's my blog. And I need to get this out however I can. Please be patient with me throughout this process.

I started blogging YEARS ago when I was in college...ah LiveJournal (LJ)...how I miss you. Then I moved here to Blogger. However, that move did eventually get me in trouble with my mom (which is quite absurd when you think about it). But, it was part of my growth. Blogging was somewhat cathartic for me; it allowed me to get my feelings on paper (so to speak) and out of my head. It allowed me to go back and reread after a day or more to see if perhaps getting it out and seeing it with fresh eyes changed my perspective.

When I was blogging on LiveJournal the only other person with access to it was my sister (and of course a few friends I made on that site along the way). She and I were honestly best friends up until a couple years ago...thick as thieves. We knew we could always go to the other if we needed to vent or an excuse to go out (like going downtown to meet someone I had only ever spoke to online). We were huge Lord of the Rings nerds...and went to the midnight showings of each of the 3 films that came out. We had a blast. I'd blog our adventures. But I'd also vent when mom was on a rampage. I was never judged by my sister or my online journal friends.

I moved to blogger years later (it was after I had my son) and things changed. I don't even remember how my mom ended up on it. But the things I posted were similar to what I posted on LJ. Nothing horrible, but it was my truth, my view, my feelings. I remember her coming unglued at me 

"What if family members see it? What about family friends? They'll think I'm a horrible person. I want it deleted."

I was absolutely embarrassed, and devasted. What had I done? Who else had seen it? I don't want people to think she's horrible. But then I was angry. It's my truth. I don't care what people think. It's a her problem if she's afraid of how others might perceive her. So I started another gmail account. Never gave her access to it and began blogging again. Swore to myself to not give it to anyone. Or if I did, only people I trusted with my heart and soul.

I can look back now and see how badly she gaslit me. How badly she manipulated me into doing what she wanted done. I'm angry, yet also at peace with it. Why? Because I was still very much living in her world. Living by her rules because I would give anything to be in a peaceful home. So I continued to walk on egg shells, communicate in a way I knew wouldn't upset her, said what I knew she wanted to hear versus how I truly felt. At 27 I had never been taught how to communicate and have a discussion. My childhood was yelling and screaming. Do as I say. And sadly, that's what my adult life was for about 10 years after I had my son. We had some terrible screaming fights those 10 years. She would scream, I would cower and cry as it's what I knew, it's how I had handled life as a child. 

It wasn't until I started working again (for reasons I will touch on in another post, the gist of it was my husbands position where he had been for 10 years was sunset, they refused to work w/him to find another position within the company, and he was without work for about a year) that my communication skills began to really improve. But, I still struggled with how to handle my emotions in a healthy way.

Not only did working again help, but raising my kid was helping as well. I wanted him to be able to communicate openly and without fear of being screamed at or judged. So when he was little, as much as I hate the phrase, when he was in trouble or upset, I would sit him down and tell him to use his words to tell me what he was thinking. Started teaching him basic emotions mad, sad, happy. The older he got, the better he got at being able to tell me how he felt when I would make him mad. Did he cry at first? Yes. But I didn't get mad at him because in a way I had taught him that. It's how I dealt with my emotions. It's the old adage of telling someone they can turn the tears on like a faucet. Fast forward, he's almost 16 and can communicate 100 times better than I could at his age. He does sometimes still shed a few tears when speaking his emotions and feelings, but he knows it's ok. 

Anyway. the school my son went to started Social Emotional Learning with the kids around the same time I started working there. Even though I was just in the lunchroom, my kiddo would come home from school almost daily with a new little tip for how to handle his emotions. Fast forward to the following year when I started in the kinder classes, I got to experience the SEL lessons for myself alongside the kids. Fast forward to today, I've been learning alongside the littles for the last 6 years and have so many more tools in my toolbox when it comes to emotions and communication. I bought a journal back in March that was self led and lasted 9 weeks all about emotions and how to handle them. Wouldn't you know that most of the information in that book I had already learned, I just didn't have adult words or phrases for it. 

Anyway. Here I am today, through lots of hard work, being able to tell my story and not sob at the keyboard. 

There is so much more to this story than just this prologue though. So many more details that have helped me grow exponentially in my life, even in just the last 3 or 4 years. And that's what I intend to share. 

Thanks for reading! :)

Starting New

So, I hate the other place I originally started this story. Most features (including changing colors and fonts) are locked behind a monthly subscription wall. Plus, when I follow the link for what should be the main page, it's not even the post I posted...it's a default one they do for you. 

Anyway. I'm starting new here. I've used Blogger for years and know it well. With that said, 2 posts tonight; this one (which is just a copy past of the welcome from the other site) and a epilogue or is it preface? I dunno. I'll have to look up the words and figure it out. :) 

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So, if you’re here, its because you followed the link on my private Twitter. Welcome. If you didn’t follow the link, I guess welcome still. Be prepared for entries of me sharing the growth I’ve made in all areas of my life in the last 20 years; from personal to family to motherhood and married (though, single life is on the horizon). If you’re not interested in that kind of stuff, feel free to move on. I’m not here for views or interactions. I’m here to record this for me…and to share with the group of friends I’ve made online who I feel have my back and ultimately support me when/how I need it.

Again, welcome. And I’ll see you on the next post after the holiday!