My Brother - Pt 3

In my last post, I left off with how their move (which is about a 30 minute drive in good traffic) affected the overall relationship. We got together way less often, my poor kiddo didn't have his cousins close anymore for playdates. It was really quite sad. 

As a family, we tried to go on small weekend trips to the Springs or up to the National Park so the cousins could play together. We all enjoyed it. In March 2018, we decided on a cabin trip just outside the National Park. It was an Air BnB (with a story all it's own to be honest), rustic, yet had plumbing and heat, and enough beds for everyone. I have an email I sent my sister the night everything went south while we were at the cabin. I think it does a good job of explaining the situation. Italics were not in the original email, it is me inserting details, protecting names or whatever now.

So what I tell you makes sense, a little backstory. I don't know if mom told you, he has been vaping pot to handle his anxiety/depression/stress (which is whatever, he needed to do what he needed to do, I think he was on like year 2 of no job and trying to climb out of his depression from it). She walked in the kitchen here at the cabin yesterday morning and he was literally doing shots of cannabis oil or something marijuana related. So, he was higher than a kite by the time things blew up.

So, last week, he text mom asking if she'd watch the kids so he could take SIL on a short hike in Rocky and drink a bottle of wine to celebrate their anniversary. Mom was not happy about it, but wouldn't tell him no because he would have been pissed off and pouting. So, he, SIL, my partner and myself went into the park (I wanted to take my new camera out for a drive, so SIL invited partner and I along). He swore the hike wasn't that long, 45 minutes at most. An hour in, we still weren't even close to where he wanted to surprise SIL. SIL, partner and I were tired and not up for a long hike so we made the decision to go ahead and turn around and head back to the car (it was already 2:30 and we needed to finish up in the park and head back to the cabin for dinner anyhow). This is where brother started to pout and get pissed off. He didn't say 2 words the whole ride back to the cabin. And remained incredibly moody the rest of the night. *Side note, most people stay grumpy for a minute that things didn't go their way and get over it. He can't/won't/doesn't.*

We had dinner, he barely talked. Mom tried to see if there was anything she could do, he wouldn't answer her. His mood was super awkward and made everyone walk on egg shells. We pulled out Cards (against humanity) and played. He played with us, but wouldn't allow himself to get past the moodiness of failing to surprise SIL. We put Cards away. And mom decided she was going to bed (it was like 9:30, she was over his moodiness and just done with him).

She ended up telling everyone she didn't appreciate the dynamic, specifically brothers pouting. She didn't yell, but she was firm and not nice about it (which I get). He stood up and was like "I'm not doing this with you. I'm not allowed to pout and be in a bad mood cause it pisses you off. And if I would have gone and laid in bed and not played a game with you guys you would have been pissed off." That started the war of words (the kids were in the bedroom having a glowstick party and when the screaming started they got quiet).

Mom and brother went back and forth. I don't remember what he said to her, but mom looked at him pointed to the door and told him to just leave. He was so high he could barely walk a straight line. At that point SIL told him to get his shoes on and go wait in the car and started to go pack their stuff. Mom and brother kept going at it, SIL walked by and got in moms face and screamed at her "just stop it. Shut up." Mom screamed back at her, and brother stomped over and slammed a shoe on the arm of the couch telling mom to get out of SIL's face. Myself, dad, and partner were stepping inbewteen all 3 of them. I went into nephew and nieces room and grabbed my son and took him to our bedroom and mom followed. I made her stay with my son and I went back into the living room. Dad and brother were having words. Dad was trying to explain to brother why mom felt the way she did and how unfair brother was being to the whole family. Brother kept interrupting him and would get pissed off when dad would in turn say "I wasn't done yet." The yelling between dad and brother went on for like 20 minutes. Mom came back out of the bedroom and told brother quite calmly "I wish we could talk. No screaming, no yelling, no interrupting. you sit on that side, I'll sit on this side and just talk." He actually sat. And for the next like 90 minutes he and mom talked.

He mostly talked in circles. And really made me realize how badly he needs professional mental health, rather than self medicating w/MJ. He can't live his life without worrying about what mom would think or say about a choice he makes, he questions his choices because he's afraid of being judged, and he's apparently really still messed up over being fired from his really good 3 years ago. But the one thing I kept hearing in everything was mom being accused/blamed. He didn't take responsibility for very much. And when mom would ask for clarification on something he'd get mad. He said to her at one point how frustrating it was for him that it took her so long to understand things he was saying. I even gave my few cents as far as my relationship with mom: it hasn't been pretty or easy, it takes more than one time sitting down and actually listening to each other and learning that it's ok to walk away having not solved anything and to agree to disagree. I also heavily encouraged him to seek professional help...because it appears to me self medication is not working for him (to which I was told by him I was being condescending).

Needless to say, fighting with or trying to talk things out and reason with someone who is high as a kite is a losing battle.

They did not end up leaving last night (Which is probably better as they did not need to drive all the way back  home at midnight). When I got up this morning, SIL said "I think we're just going to leave. I think that's what is best." I agreed with her and she finished packing their stuff (mainly from the kitchen), packed it up and left.

I don't know where things stand with him and mom. Mom said her piece. And now the ball stands in brothers court to fix himself through more than just self medication and then fix things with mom. So, we'll see what happens. I feel bad for the kids because they had to hear it all (mom apologized to my son this morning). And I also feel badly for mom. The most important thing to her after the way she grew up is her family. She does not want to lose my brother because of this, and I understand that, but he has to want fix himself first.

We did not talk to them until almost Christmas that year. Mom still wanted to do for the kids' for Christmas. If I remember right, we went down and picked them up and mom let them spend a set amount of money for their Christmas gifts. 

Fast forward to June of 2019. Christmas 2018 was the last time we heard from my SIL (my brother refused to talk to my parents, and my SIL was at least trying to keep the kids out of the adult battle). Not a week after I bought my new car, my dad got a call. It was my brother. Out of the blue. He looked at my mom, who got wide eyed and told him to answer. He did. My brother was in tears. 

"I fucked up. I don't know what to do. I fucked up."

Mom had called me down before dad answered. She and I looked at each other and mouthed "arrested? needs bail money?" Mom had dad keep him on the phone to try and find out what was going on. Turns out, SIL had asked him to leave. He had no where to go, so he called dad. Well, mom and I got in my car and drove 30 minutes down to find him and pick him up. We weren't even sure what was going to come of this. If he'd get in the car with us or not. We also called my SIL on the way down to find out what had happened. Long story short, my brother had been on dating apps. Told my SIL (after she found out) that he didn't find her attractive anymore (ya'll, he dated her, got engaged to her, married her, and had kids w/her all while she has been obese). So, she told him to pack and get out. 

When we found him, he was sitting on a corner crying with a big old backpack over his shoulder. The whole way back to our house we talked a little. He cried. It would get quiet. 

After we got home, mom wouldn't let him in the house because he was still using/vaping MJ, in fact, he set his backpack down by her van and took a big swig of the little tincture bottle. It's her personal choice (especially w/my son in the house) and her house. So, we all sat outside. It was after 8 because it was dark. We sat out there for 2 or 3 hours going back and forth. Talking about what happened between he and SIL. Talking about his mental health. I don't remember a lot of what was said that night. I know there was a lot of us pushing him to consider going and getting inpatient care, to which he quickly angered and told my mom she needed to fix things with her father before she and my brother could fix things between themselves (I quickly piped up that he has no right to tell her that because he has NO IDEA the trauma our grandfather caused her). Anyway. Things kept going in circles. It was getting later, dad and my partner had to work the next morning so mom and I got in the car and got out $100 cash. We brought it home, gave it to my brother and had my partner drive him to the nearest motel, because again, w/him using/vaping, mom did not want him in the house overnight.

And that was the last we ever heard from him or my SIL. Ironically, mom and I still followed SIL on insta and vice versa. So when the pandemic hit, she posted a few pictures of the kids going back to school. Mom tried to reach out via DM, but got no reply. We, both eventually unfollowed her and I think blocked/took her off from being able to follow us. 

I think the part that hurts the most is that at some point (I apologize, because I really don't remember when she did it) mom had sent a Facebook message to all of us kids (brother, SIL, and my sister) apologizing for how she raised us, apologizing for not knowing another way to discipline (she was beat and yelled at when she was a child, so as an adult that was all she knew of how to punish children; she was also young when she had us, 19 when she had my brother, 20 when she had me and I believe 22 or almost 23 when she had my sister), and wanted to work on her relationship with each of us. Even offered to pay for counseling.

But, both my siblings just burned the bridge clear away; no chance at rebuilding/reconciliation w/her, as well as no rebuilding/reconciliation with me. 

Side note, she and I never went to counseling, but I was the only one of us 3 that really put in the time and effort to work on our relationship. And a lot of the reason I did so was due in big part to finally taking off my childhood blinders and seeing things differently after my grandfather called to yell at me to take my pictures of my son at his house off of my very private locked down Facebook, as well as many other times he called her to essentially harass, belittle, and taunt my mother. It hasn't been easy, but we've both put in a lot of effort over the years and are in a much better place than we were.